Last night I was spending time with my daughters and with my friend Andrea Belén we started talking about my daughter turning 15 next week and the trip that I will pay for her to take her 10 best friends and some parents to an all inclusive vacation to the beach paid by me.
We were taking about that and it lead us to listen to a latin song called quinceañera, it was a very popular song when I was growing up.
Andrea and I were singing loud as we were lost in the memory and my daughter was looking at us like if we had just lost our minds ?
There is a part of the song that says:
“Now is awakening the woman that was sleeping in me, and the little girl is slowly dying as I am starting the adventure of life, now my dreams will turn into promises and my heart is changing into a quinceañera ( a 15 years old)”
I couldn’t help to be deeply moved by it, I went to my Niki, touched her face, kiss her forehead and her Cheeks and look at her with this deep realization that she is becoming a grown up woman.
Today as i write this i had my time totally allocated for how I was going to use the 8 hours in the air on my flight to LA, I was going to finish Brene Brown book that my friend Mike Brcic gifted me ( I finished it Mike) and I was going to continue writing my book and working in creating my new branding training.
Everything was on a schedule, haha as if that was possible with life.
I finished reading Brene brown book and the parts below in the pictures really touched my heart. I had to stop my plan to write this.
I saw this in the book and it took me to my job as a mother and the deep pain of sometimes feeling like I am loosing my baby, every time that I think I know what’s in her mind she keeps on growing and just as in the song she keeps slipping through my fingers all the time, every time I think I am close from knowing she keeps on growing.
The emotion took me to this paradox, the paradox of the birth and the death, the sunrise and the sunset.
My little baby is becoming a woman and my heart is so happy and at the same time my heart is so sad.
I am excited for the life ahead of her and I am sad for the little arms that were calling me every time she saw me.
I am excited for what the future holds for her and at the same time my hearts cries for the little girl that always wanted to be with me.
I am thrilled by her independence and I miss her needing me.
I am divided many times between being a cool modern mom and all the things that I don’t know.
I follow her teenager crushes and music she likes and at the same time I have no idea of why what they do is funny for her. ??♀️
I am divided by the mom that educates her and being her friend.
Sometimes I am not cool at all. Sometimes I get to be the boring mom “giving her the speech and lecturing her” as she says.
But the thing is that first I am a mom. My first job is not to be cool.
My mission is to guide her, to train her to be a woman of light, to lead the way for her into living in purpose and standing up for what’s right, teaching her to know right from wrong an teaching her to belong to herself first.
I am her first home, she will always belong to my heart, so If i hear things like: no one here understand me, I don’t belong here! The few times that I have heard something like that my heart beats so fast, growing up and feeling that I don’t belong was my biggest pain, so I hear this and all my alarms ? goes off:
Attention attention Niki is not feeling like she belongs here!! ?
So learning to recognize true heart pain from teenager cycles is a whole art, I read the pages below and felt identified with the pain growing up and also with myself having expectations of how my kids should be or what I would like that they like.
I don’t want to make this mistake.
I don’t want my kids to “fit it” starting by home, starting by me.
I want them to stand by themselves in their wild heart, I want them to know true belonging, being loved by who they are and for the perfect creatures they are for me, for a God, for life.
I want my kids to feel loved and supported through storms and periods of confusion, I want to be able to hear: I am feeling lost and immediately jump to their sides to hug them and tell them I am here with you, we will do it together, I love you just the way you are.
If you have a teenage kid, you will probably understand what I am writing and if not, you may share this with someone that you know is patent to a teenage treasure.
For now what i want my daughters to know is that there are paradoxes that are opposite and at the same time are part of the whole.
The deep feelings of watching their wings open and watching their cocoon close.
No matter that feeling may be, I am here, here where you belong, here in my love and my heart. Because since those little bodies grew inside of me, I have been their home, and I will forever continue to be home sweet home.
The home in my arms, the home standing by their side, behind to hold their back, in front to protect their souls.
I stand by you my Niki, I stand by you my Nati, Strong in the back. Soft in the front. I love you ❤️